Coming in a field near you - Planes to replace rail

The New British Shuttles are seen arriving in New Liverpool, owned by Novirgins Travel, shortly after the completion of the New Water runway.  There could be a problem when United Utilities discover a New Source of Water and will cease piping present supplies in from Jockland where there is no E in their water.
Due to the  threat from the Middle Easters these New Planes will run on a revolutionary fuel derived from Be-Ans. To get the fuel to a volume sufficient to get these monsters across the Mersey passengers will be wind tested.  It will be compulsory for each and every passenger to have two tins of FaRts baked ****s with added chilli for good afterburn.  Babes in arms must have good human tit juice on permanent supply.  If they tire or fall asleep, volunteers from the male contingent will be asked to replace the luckily little buggers.  Experiments with dogs indicate that their contributions should be left on the children's playing field or your local rugby clubs pitch. Gay Politicians will be barred pro temp until it can be determined if Matelots can be found with purity of discharge to drive a New Generation of Transport into the Future.  Politicians as a rule have been found to be so full of shi'ite that their contribution is somewhat indiscriminate.
The Secret Test Flights will take place from Blackpool airport on the 1st of April 2013.  Tickets from Nigerian Banks on a very expensive number to be announced in a spam email. If you have not got your own computer, use the ones at work if you have a job.  Otherwise your local MP will give you Free Access via the expenses already fraudulently taken from Pensioners.