Kiplings Screw Guns - to the music of the Eton boat song

Screw-Guns To the music of The Eton Boat song, with enormous gratitude to Kipling and in memory of having dinner with the late Col. Mac (Major MacIlwaine of 4th Field Rgt RA and Larkhill, School of Artillery) at the Jameson Hotel, Salisbury, Rhodesia.

SMOKIN’ my pipe on the mountings, sniffin’ the mornin’ cool, I walks in my old brown gaiters along o’ my old brown mule, With seventy gunners be’ind me, an’ never a beggar forgets It’s only the pick of the Army that handles the dear little pets—’Tss! ’Tss! For you all love the screw-guns the screw-guns they all love you! So when we call round with a few guns, o’ course you will know what to do—hoo! hoo! Jest send in your Chief an’ surrender it’s worse if you fights or you runs: You can go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don’t get away from the guns! They sends us along where the roads are, but mostly we goes where they ain’t: We’d climb up the side of a sign-board an’ trust to the stick o’ the paint: We’ve chivied the Naga an’ Looshai, we’ve give the Afreedeeman fits, For we fancies ourselves at two thousand, we guns that are built in two bits—’Tss! ’Tss! For you all love the screw-guns the screw-guns they all love you! So when we call round with a few guns, o’ course you will know what to do—hoo! hoo! Jest send in your Chief an’ surrender it’s worse if you fights or you runs: You can go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don’t get away from the guns! If a man doesn’t work, why, we drills ’im an’ teaches ’im ’ow to behave; If a beggar can’t march, why, we kills ’im an’ rattles ’im into ’is grave. You’ve got to stand up to our business an’ spring without snatchin’ or fuss. D’you say that you sweat with the field-guns? By God, you must lather with us—’Tss! ’Tss! For you all love the screw-guns the screw-guns they all love you! So when we call round with a few guns, o’ course you will know what to do—hoo! hoo! Jest send in your Chief an’ surrender it’s worse if you fights or you runs: You can go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don’t get away from the guns! The eagles is screamin’ around us, the river’s a-moanin’ below, We’re clear o’ the pine an’ the oak-scrub, we’re out on the rocks an’ the snow, An’ the wind is as thin as a whip-lash what carries away to the plains The rattle an’ stamp o’ the lead-mules the jinglety-jink o’ the chains—’Tss! ’Tss! For you all love the screw-guns the screw-guns they all love you! So when we call round with a few guns, o’ course you will know what to do—hoo! hoo! Jest send in your Chief an’ surrender it’s worse if you fights or you runs: You can go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don’t get away from the guns! There’s a wheel on the Horns o’ the Mornin’, an’ a wheel on the edge o’ the Pit, An’ a drop into nothin’ beneath you as straight as a beggar can spit: With the sweat runnin’ out o’ your shirt-sleeves, an’ the sun off the snow in your face, An’ ’arf o’ the men on the drag-ropes to hold the old gun in ’er place—’Tss! ’Tss! For you all love the screw-guns the screw-guns they all love you! So when we call round with a few guns, o’ course you will know what to do—hoo! hoo! Jest send in your Chief an’ surrender it’s worse if you fights or you runs: You can go where you please, you can skid up the trees, but you don’t get away from the guns! Smokin’ my pipe on the mountings, sniffin’ the mornin’ cool, I climbs in my old brown gaiters along o’ my old brown mule. The monkey can say what our road was the wild-goat ’e knows where we passed. Stand easy, you long-eared old darlin’s! Out drag-ropes! With shrapnel! Hold fast—’Tss! ’Tss!  For you all love the screw-guns the screw-guns they all love you! So when we take tea with a few guns, o’ course you will know what to do—hoo! hoo! Jest send in your Chief an’ surrender it’s worse if you fights or you runs: You may hide in the caves, they’ll be only your graves, but you can’t get away from the guns!