Scum Dancing in Blackpool

The first two contestants have been announced as the lovely Karen Matthews, the Social Experiment from West Yorkshire, soon to be renamed the Second Punjab. It is thought that she is to be partnered with Lord Longford if they can dig him up. Otherwise she will be paired with a life-sized effigy of the head of Social Services OR Professor Nota Fu Kin Kloo of the Liberal Think Tank Plankers Have Votes.

Mother of the decade Karen, after beauty treatment.

Her prime competitor is that local lovely Wendy Lewis, who did not go with her ‘Bruvva’ Steev Van to Costa Crime “cos the drugs not supplied by the Spanitch Healff Serfices”. She wants to partner Councillor Major Holdsnothin so she can rub her tits across his campaign medals. An interesting combination.

Larger than life sex Queen Wendy practising on a plastic cup.

Their leading protagonist could be TV personality Swedish Trollop who is again recovering in a mental institute where her Tall Dark Partner is an inmate with something called Bipolar – and that’s not a save the White Bear Charity. It is said he only assaults her when she get too close because the lines on her face looks like a map of London Underground where he spent his yooff assaulting Pearly Queens.

Problems arose when the Sally Army Band lost the music and Anne Withacomb took the train to Scarborough. Also Paul and Daniel disappeared and Billy Beau Mount is believed to be caught in the scrum of illumination traffic. But the night was a raging success when the venue went up in smoke and the BB and C hope to be able to claim insurance through BCCI.