DEFINITION OF A POLITICIAN

DEFINITION OF A POLITICIAN

 

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

 

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

 

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

 

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

 

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

 

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

 

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with." 

 

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

More The Auctioneer, Blackpool South

Greg and Marley, Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS to Greg and his fans.
Here's another YouTube from the Marley

The Auctioneer, Blackpool South

The Staff, with a little help from Santa and his entourage, raised over £500 for Clic Sargent, the charity for children fighting cancer.

Thanks to all the children and their older friends for being so generous.

Political understatement

Overheard at a Lieber party.  One Partisan to another.  

“Hi, Natasha. How’s business?”

“Wonderful. If I had another pair of legs I’d open up in the Lib/Concoalition!”

Sexual advise for Young Men

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants to have sex all the time, morning, noon and several times a night. I just don't know what to do."

Me, an older fellow who looks to be in my 60's or 70's was sitting a couple of stools down, and also over-heard the conversation. I looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of my years said, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit!"

Jack and Jill evolution

JACK AND JILL

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.   'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said.  'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.  When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.' 

 

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.

 

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' 

 

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.  'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 

 

'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will 

Oh how times change!!!

Charity fund raising in South Shore

   The Auctioneer

Lytham Road, Blackpool: 

Sunday Evening 14^th December 2014 @4pm.

     His only visit to South Shore.  At your request, a one

         off opportunity to meet ……in...

His secret grotto will be open to all children –

from newly born to ancient tots

SANTA

And his little helpers

Plus raffles, A ONE OFF QUIZ, tombola, fun and games

          To raise much needed funds for Children fighting Cancer.     

British tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

 

The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in STANSTED after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:

"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

 

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was Unacceptable.

 

The man's response back to HMRC was:
"SORRY -Who did I miss out?"

Blackpool Ukip mass email drop

This email arrived in my post, wholly unsolicited, so I assume it is for public distribution.  

UKIP Blackpool North & Cleveleys and Blackpool South Newsletter

Firstly, a thank you to all members who had made donations to help attribute to helping our newly elected Member of Parliament; Mark Reckless win the  Rochester and Strood by-election this month. This seat being of vital importance to our party as it was rated as our 271st most winnable seat, as Mr Reckless has said in his acceptance speech "if UKIP can win here, we can win across the country". Currently, many of the mainstream parties have tried to discredit UKIP since the European elections, and in recent developments it can be seen that Labour are starting to adopt UKIP policies such as: their new stance on immigration which is claimed as ‘two-faced’ by some media corporations due to their flip-flopping policies towards immigration.

Recently, quite a lot of members have asked if the branch could organise a social evening, where members have a chance to meet other members along with their UKIP PPC’s Peter Wood (Blackpool South) and Simon Noble (Blackpool North & Cleveleys). The venue will be The Kings Hotel addressed at 553 New South Promenade, Blackpool, FY4 1NF. The date and time of the social evening will be the 11^th December 2014 at 8pm. We would like to ask for a minimum donation of £2 on the door to help fundraise for our campaigning next year.  On the night you will have a chance at winning several raffle prizes and be able to take part in a general knowledge quiz. Both alcoholic and non-alcoholic will be sold at the hotel bar. The Branch would like to Paul White for his support in helping arrange our Holiday Social. We would like to encourage all members to bring either their partner or a friend as everyone is welcome.

Since the last newsletter was sent out we have held our AGM (Annual General meeting) and have voted in our new executive team which goes as follows:

Branch Chairman for Blackpool North & Cleveleys and Blackpool South - John Braithwaite

Branch Deputy Chairman for Blackpool North & Cleveleys and Blackpool South - Warwick Howlett

Branch Secretary for Blackpool North & Cleveleys and Blackpool South - Spencer Shackleton

Branch Treasurer for Blackpool North & Cleveleys and Blackpool South - Warwick Howlett

Branch Membership Secretary for Blackpool North & Cleveleys and Blackpool South - Warwick Howlett

A reminder to all our members; our party does not stop at Westminster, our party stops when we secure every seat on our local council. UKIP is the party of the working class and as the working class in a seaside tourist town we rely on effective and useful decisions made by our elected town councillors. However, over the most recent years it has been shown that not only are we being failed in Westminster but we are also being failed in the centre of our community by our Labour Council who would rather fund an £11 million hotel as opposed to helping Blackpool Victoria Hospital get back on their feet. We as a party need to be out there and winning the council so that Blackpool can prosper and no longer be rated as the 2nd most deprived area in the United Kingdom. The general election is barely 6 months away and so are the council elections; we need to make sure that not only can we improve Britain from Westminster, but we can improve Blackpool too. If you would like to help campaign next year please contact your Branch Chairman at johnbraithwaite@ukip-blackpool.org we would appreciate any and all efforts you can offer.

BLACKPOOL AND CLEVELEYS BRANCH MEETING

All members are invited to a Blackpool and Cleveleys Branch meeting on Thursday 15^th  January  2015 at 7.30pm at 16 Queens Street, Blackpool FY1 1PD

John  Braithwaite

Chairman UKIP Blackpool and Cleveleys

Tel: 01253 310368

Fisher's Field Blackpool under threat from Council and United Utilities?

Residents of property near and adjacent to Fisher’s Field are again being blind-sided by a Council that thinks nothing of not telling the electorate anything.  Many years ago they ignored their legal obligations and allowed the illegal building of a large place or retreat for ‘Old People’.  Then they compounded their infamy by passed planning for Foxhall Juniors Football Club to redevelop their clubhouse right into the windows of one set of residents of Lennox Court. No consultation and no apology for misleading and misrepresenting residents.  Once they had been advised, by irate neighbours, that no public notices had been published anywhere near the development, Council officials were seen putting up belated notices in the area- after work had already started on the structures alterations.

Now, in conjunction with United Utilities, it is rumoured that Fisher’s Field will be closed for up to three years while United Utilities undertake massive development of an overspill facility for flood water?

Will someone on the Council have the courage and decency to tell the effected residents what they are doing with the legacy of Fisher’s Field? A legacy they have already undermined by loosing the original paperwork that established the ownership of this valuable piece of greenery?

If United Utilities are going to build on Fisher’s Field, what disruption to a peaceful life will this have on the old and infirm owners and tenants of the immediate area?  Considerable, if past history is to be repeated.  For this reason alone it is imperative that not another piece of slight of hand and lack of honest dialogue be forced upon the local people. This lack of consultation and openness is endemic ‘Laissez Faire’ arrogance that moves the bureaucrats and petty politicians of Blackpool Council away from the people who pay their salaries.  Let there be no illusion, these are people in receipt of public pay who once again are blighting this once wonderful town. Just look at the monstrosity they have produce on the Promenade with the redevelopment of the highway disaster for no-ones advantage. 

Yes, we need modernisation and decent infrastructure.  But people deserve honesty and an explanation why the Victorian masterpieces of sewerage and road/rail development are badly inadequate for today’s volumes of overpopulation that Westminster is forcing upon the people.