Women and Children last...

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.  Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.  The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.  Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.  Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal. The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexual preference and disability.

Sailors will have to work only a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime.  All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the fleet, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and ratings' messes.  The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "rum, sodomy and the lash", so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced with sparkling water.  Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18.  The lash will still be available but only on request.  Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours except Capstan Full Strength. Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.  Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, and this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.  The Union Flag has already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.  She will glide gently into the water as the band of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People.  Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules"